Thirty Seconds… Part II November 23, 2009

Last week a friend commented about my blog and the 30 second rule.  “That rule not only applies to parenting… it applies to all relationships!” She’s right!

But here’s the real kicker… this principle can also be applied between us and our Heavenly Father.

This face-full attention is exactly what our gracious Heavenly Father does for us, his children.  Are we ever surprised that great parenting tips or people skills are actually based on how God interacts with us? In Numbers 6:24-26 God gave a special blessing to be used with His people.  You may have heard it as a benediction: 

            “The LORD bless you and keep you, the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” 

The next time we feel like we are just clinging to the peripheral being of God, we need to take a moment and allow ourselves to imagine our Heavenly Father turning his face towards us.  He drops to one knee, so to speak, looks directly into our eyes and gives us his full face.  He promised that he would bless and keep us, be gracious to us and that he would turn his face toward us… so we need to envision God looking us right in the eye. 

We can tell him exactly what we are feeling.  Irrational, irreligious or even impertinent – God hears it all. In our pain and helplessness, and in full understanding and love… he faces us.  Then, in an act that can only be described as gracious, he gives us his peace. 

Because he is a perfect God, he will not limit his attention to 30 seconds.  But quite honestly, when we walk and talk with God in the moments of our lives, a 30-second prayer is often all that is needed to regain a sense of his peace.  If we are abiding in God, when we hit those moments of needing his attention, it is amazing how a 30-second connection is really all we need. It doesn’t replace the time and dedication that God wants from us in concentrated prayer and worship, but it is definitely how he wants to walk through each day with us.  This is how we live life in his strength.

So in the next 30 seconds, imagine your heavenly Father turning his face toward you.  Trust in his grace and allow his face to shine on you.  Give him your worries and let him give you his peace.  It may be the beginning of a lifestyle of enjoying 30 seconds of grace and peace…for everyone.

Thirty Seconds (Part I) November 14, 2009

At twenty-six years of age I was eight months pregnant with our fourth child. It seemed like I spent most of my time wiping counters, faces, hands or bottoms. I often had at least one child clinging to my pant legs, either wanting my attention or just randomly tattling on the others.

In the middle of this stage of my life I learned about the 30 second rule from a parenting talk show on the radio. It’s been a while since I was 26, and quite seriously, the fact that I can remember anything from that stage of life is nothing less than miraculous (remember…I was pregnant then), so I may not explain the principle exactly as it was taught, but here it is:

When a child is fussing at your feet, or acting out unreasonably, drop to one knee and look the child straight in the eyes and listen to his complaint.  Chances are, after 30 seconds the child will be satisfied that he has been heard, and he will go back to his activities.

So…I tried it. 

I had a child hovering by my side, whining in that indiscernible language, at that unbearable pitch.  I was in the kitchen (I mean, where else would I have been??) when I remembered the 30-second challenge.  I took a deep breath and dropped to one knee, which is alot harder than it sounds…remember, I was pregnant. 

It is a significant maneuver for an eight-month pregnant woman to shuffle down to the floor.  And that is if she can even see the floor. Transferring the weight of my encumbered body I eased myself down hoping that the spot where I landed was void of lego! 

Squatting awkwardly, so I could actually look my daughter in the eye, I was greeted with a look of complete shock.  At first I thought it was the magnitude of the action, or just the magnitude of me in front of her that caught her off guard, but then I realized it was my interest that surprised her. Clearly this child was not used to having the attention of my full face (and trust me… it was a full face at that stage of pregnancy!).

Sheepishly, I realized my kids mostly speak to my back, or, more in-line with their level of sight…my butt.  Without digressing to fat bottom jokes, I do have to point out–who would want to talk to that?  I conceded that I rarely gave my children my full attention.  I multi-tasked their questions and needs. My little girl was literally speechless when I dropped to her level, looked into her eyes, and gave her my undivided attention.

“What do you want to say to Mommy?” I asked.  It took her a few moments to collect her thoughts, but with a clear voice and expressive eyes, she stated her concern.  And I listened.  She didn’t need me to solve anything; she just wanted to be heard. 

Forgive me…but throughout this whole exchange with my daughter I was counting seconds.  I was willing to try the 30 second challenge, but I could only be a beached whale, down on one knee for a designated time…especially when I realized there was no crisis to be solved.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I had not even yet counted to 10, when my daughter gave me a smile, turned on her heels and headed back to her play time.  “That was it?” was my first thought as I started the difficult tactical exercise of ascending to a standing position.  (At least heading down to the floor was aided by gravity!)

In the following years, I have been continually surprised.  Truly, 30 seconds is an exaggerated time allotment!  I didn’t always practice it–I did learn the art of “tuning out”. But when we look our kids in the eyes and give them our full attention, it doesn’t take very long to convey that they are important.   In the toddler years, this 30 second challenge became the end-point of most of the whining. 

These days, I have to look up to catch the eyes of  my kids, but I still do it.  I desperately want to be a mom that gives them my full face.  When there are things that require discussion, we can broach the subjects head on…because we’ve been facing them throughout their lives.

So, take the challenge.  Today, drop to one knee, look your little one in the eye and listen…and count if you need to.  30 seconds will likely be more than enough time.

Loud and Clear November 6, 2009

Yesterday, as I was dropping my daughter off at the local high school we had a rather startling conversation about marital commitment. We had been talking about one of her friends whose parents had just separated.  The transition had been tough on her friend. Separation, strained living situations and the drama surrounding the family was supplanting what every teen looks forward to in their grade-twelve year.  Hurt and betrayal overshadowed grad-class celebrations.

Pulling into the school parking lot, I repeated something to my daughter that I am sure she has heard me say countless times. “You know my dear” I said with the calm assurance “that is one thing you never have to worry about with dad and me.  We will never leave each other.  We will never get a divorce.”

In the brief second before she stepped out of the car, she turned her body so that her eyes looked straight into mine.  “That is exactly what my friend’s parents had said to her”. 

She opened the car door and left…. but not before I tried to get more words in.  Still, my words sounded hollow, weak and even hubristic.  “Oh, it’ll never happen to us” ran through my mind, but instantly there was the realization that confident posturing can not protect a young heart from the fear and disillusionment that lives in a world that doesn’t know how to keep its promises.

So, what do you do when you can’t seem to be heard?  I’d suggest yelling.  And yell it loud! 

Everyday let your kids see you “yelling” your commitment to each other.  Obviously I am not talking about elevated voice levels, but through words of affirmation and commitment.  Let them hear you talk about your devotion to the family and the marriage covenant you made.  Words are important, but often they are not enough. 

Yell through your actions. Let your family see you treat each other with respect and love. Show it in your schedule, creating time for each other. There is nothing like a date night to say to your kids – we are committed.  Marriage retreats, reading marriage books even displays of affection can solidify the look and feel of commitment.

Chances are, every child at one time or another has wondered if their family will survive.  Chances are, you have even wondered yourself if your marriage is going to make it!  So, put everyone’s mind at ease.  Start by committing yourself to each other.   Through words and actions keep your commitment to each other loud and clear.

This evening my husband and I as we are speaking at a marriage event .  Guess what our topic is.  Commitment!

 

T.P. and technology October 29, 2009

If your household is like ours you are encountering a whole new sociological phenomenon: the ‘always- in-contact’ generation. Yesterday this hit an all new level for our family.

I was making my morning latte when the telephone rang and my husband answered. I heard the following his-half of the conversation: “Hello” “What?? (snicker, snicker)” “Okay” and he hung up. I was instantly curious.

Apparently it was our daughter… from the downstairs bathroom! She found herself in that ever-so-awkward, yet familiar predicament. The toilet paper roll was empty. She had tried yelling for more t.p. but the hissing of my cappuccino machine drowned out her cries for help. So, typically innovative, she used her ever-present cell… and called.

Really… a cell phone, even in the bathroom?

I have benefited from my daughter’s cell. I can get a hold of her at anytime because we have an understanding that she ALWAYS answers my calls (thank you call-display). She lets me know her change in plans… which happens often in a teenager’s world. I love the safety aspect. She can call from any situation where she feels uncomfortable and we will come immediately to pick her up. Yup – I am a fan of the cell phone. Are you surprised?

I’ve read so many articles crying the woes of the ‘need-to-be-in-touch’ generation. I am mystified that teens find it socially appropriate to be visiting and texting at the same time. I’ve had groups of teenagers in my home and I get such a kick out of watching each one intermittingly pull out their cell, read and respond to a text and flip it closed while hardly breaking from the conversation. The best was observing a group of teens watch a movie together. They text each other – even though they were only a sofa away!

Okay, so it is a bit much. But I am willing to embrace a bit of cultural diversity in order to create relationship. Over the years we have come to some clear agreements with our cell-packing teens.

•  My calls are ALWAYS answered. I get priority calling as they keep me in the loop with their schedule. Sometimes I call just to say I love ‘em and to throw them off…
•  No texting at the table or during family discussions
• The phone is not to be used after 11 pm on week-days / midnight on weekends. This is to support self-moderation. We came up with this rule together… literally bartering to a negotiated agreement. This needs to be age appropriate.
• When texting around me, I have the right to ask who they are communicating with. This is one way that they respect me, but really… I’m just nosey. They get it.
• I will never read their text messages. This is me respecting them. Although tempted to read their texts to ‘check up’ on them, my hubby and I agreed that this would be inappropriate parenting. Trust needs to be earned BOTH ways.
• They pay their phone bills. This one has caused a bit of consternation, but we found ‘pay as you go’ the best way to learn cell phone moderation. A friend of mine was as horrified as her daughter, when they received her first month’s phone bill… over $300!
• There are agreed upon consequences if these guidelines are broken.

As a parent, I am responsible to understand the culture that my children are living in. My role as a parent is constantly changing as my children grow. We pick our battles, we come up with negotiated guidelines and we don’t nag. Building trust and respect both ways allows them to make mistakes and we offer support whenever we can.

And, when they call asking for toilet paper… we laugh all the way to the supply closet. I’m glad she called.

Gasping or grasping love October 23, 2009

So? Are you starting the morning proclaiming His love (see Sept 30)? Grasping God’s love is only the starting point.

I talked with a woman who gave me this phrase: “Doris, before I can love my husband… I have to learn to love myself.” We were talking about her strained marriage and the emphasis was clearly on the ‘before’. My response: “Yah, good luck with that… tell me how it goes…”

Okay, I wasn’t that blunt. But really? How do we ever get to the point where we love ourselves enough to then love others? Is it really a “one” then “two” step process? I came through the 80’s and 90’s with that mantra… “you gotta love yourself before you can love others.”

Perhaps you’ve heard someone liken it to the flight attendant’s instructions… “In the highly unlikely event that there is a change in cabin air pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the station above you… You should don your own mask prior to assisting others.”

May I point out that those instructions are only in the case of a sudden loss in cabin air pressure? It was never meant to be a philosophical epiphany about love!

I don’t think we can wait until the first step is complete before we take the next step. When do I arrive at the state of ‘loving myself’?? I know that there are so many things in my personality, in my core being that aren’t very lovable. Quite simply… if it’s all about me it’s going to be a very long, long time before I would love myself enough to feel ready to start loving other. I can see myself, sucking the oxygen dry from the yellow mask clutched between my two sweaty palms… gasp, gasp!

Honestly… I don’t think this works. I’ve never seen someone pull away from loving people around them, to learn to love themselves first in order to feel ‘loved’ enough to start loving others. It just doesn’t happen. Self-love quickly turns into an attitude of unconstrained selfishness.

And I have an idea why. Okay it might not be a philosophical epiphany… but it’s an idea.

Love is never realized outside of the context of community. It is meant to be experienced within the framework of give ‘n take. Loving others is just as important as loving yourself. And loving yourself is just as important as loving others. That is why Jesus proclaimed “love others as you love yourself” (Mark 12). Yup, I looked it up; “as” (Greek ως – hos ). It means ‘in that manner’ or ‘like-wise’. I see it as a balance. Whatever you put on one side of the ‘as’ needs to be put on the other side.

As I love myself, I love others. As I love others, I love myself.

So as we start each day in this month of October, take a moment to start in God’s love. Then love yourself as you love others. Love others as you love yourself. Do this in tandem. Do this in balance.

Love your spouse as you love yourself. Love yourself as you love your children. Love your friends, coworkers and neighbors as you love yourself. That’s the reality of grasping God’s love. 

So let go of the mask disguised as “self love”. Breath in God’s love and love others as you love yourself.

my point in the wall October 20, 2009

We are in the middle of a “Real Marriage” conference here in New Brunswick.  It is a really small group…  BUT we are having a blast!  As you can imagine, in a small group there is a lot of interaction and laughter. 

On the way here today, I was reading Nehemiah about the Jews re-building the wall.  My attention was caught by the details.  Different families were allocated to various low points in the wall and it was recorded which family repaired each gate.  Each family was designated to a section and they did what they needed to do.  I felt that God was telling me that I needed to be faithful in my part of the ministry.  My ‘part’ of the wall may be just a small part, but I want to be involved where God puts me, and I want to do it well. 

I was glad that God prepared me in this way, because when we arrived we were told just how small this group was… four couples!

I love what we do, and I love the travel but I still find it hard to leave my kids behind.  I love being mom, and I know that the days of having my teenagers at home are dwindling.  So, when I first heard about the small group I found myself thinking that “does this really justify leaving my kids for 12 days?” 

But immediately God reminded me of the wall.  I know that I am right where God wants me to be.  This is a small group today, but I know that the size of group is irrelevant.  The material we present has the potential to be life changing. And… every life counts.

So, we are making a difference; where ever God puts us and to whomever God brings us. I want to be faithful with the message that he has given us.

Besides… In Nehemiah one of the families were assigned to rebuilding the “Dung Gate”.  Can you imagine?

Practise What You Preach October 9, 2009

“Doris,” my husband says to me in his signature I’m serious voice.  He drops his chin down a notch, tilts his head to one side and speaks with a strong yet gentle tone. “I really think this is one thing that we need to ‘practice what we preach’.  We need to make date night a priority – no matter how crazy our schedules are.”

Praxis & theoria

Ohh… the gap between praxis & theoria.  Praxis – the practical application or exercise of a branch of learning.  Theoria – wisdom.

My husband and I speak at marriage and parenting conferences.  First, we present the theory of relationships as a basis for creating healthy marriages and families. Then, we give practical application to what we are teaching.  And we have LOTS of ideas. All throughout our marriage we have had marriage and family-oriented books on the go, and our 20 + years of pre-marriage educational sessions have given us all types of fodder-for-thought and practice. 

But… we can’t practice all the ideas we present.  This was the point I was making at breakfast that morning as my husband and I faced the dilemma of praxis and theoria. 

It’s the practical stuff that is causing contention. I know it bothers him to present material that we aren’t daily putting into practice. I counter by saying there is no way we could possibly practice everything we present.  And I don’t want to limit our suggestions because different ideas appeal to different people. 

My husband kinda agreed but then he narrowed the issue down to maintaining the date night.  He felt we needed to implement this idea.

Our 14-year-old son was wiping the sleep from his eyes as he stifled a yawn. “So dad” he joined in the conversation. “You think you need to take mom out on a date because you want to practice what you preach?”  “Yes” was my husband’s instant answer.  Integrity is at his core and I think he saw this as a teachable moment.

 “So dad” our son continued. “If I hear you right, you don’t want to take mom on a date because you want to be with her… you just need to practice what you preach…”

We got schooled! Oh, oh, oh.  Did we laugh!!

October 10^th is our anniversary. My hubby has planned a wonderful weekend of activities and we are looking forward to celebrating the gift we have in each other.  And I am very certain that although this is one of the ideas that we present in our seminars, the real reason why we are getting away this weekend is… because he really does love me! It is the pairing of praxis & theoria at its finest.

Show Me the Love October 7, 2009

It might seem disrespectful but it was how I felt.  I threw my Bible across the couch. It landed with a thud against the armrest, sprawled open.  But I didn’t care.  Hugging my knees into my chest I curled up in the opposite side of the sofa and had it ‘out’ with God.  And I don’t think He minded.  In fact, it was a turning point in my life.

I had just read from the book in Ephesians.  In chapter three it states that we need power from God to understand his love for us.  And his love surrounds us… completely and it is illustrated as a multi-directional love. Christ’s love for us is wide, long, high and deep – four dimensional. The fourth dimension is sometimes thought as the measurement of time or spacetime. God loves me all the time and this love fills all the space around me.

That brief description of the various directions covers all the possible routes!  There are no other directions. We are totally surrounded by his love. There is no alternate path away or toward us that is not saturated by God’s love.

I am particularly interested in the “deep” part of the verse.  The Greek word bathos (βαθύς) means: “profound (as going down), literally or figuratively: deep, very early”. See?  It covers time and space.  That’s complete coverage.

So… why did this make me hurl my Bible?  Simply put… I didn’t feel this love. I had lost touch with God. Although from outward appearances everything looked fine, I wasn’t. I was a young woman, married to a wonderful man with two beautiful baby girls and living in a great home. But there was an emptiness inside that called into question everything that I based my life on. So, in desperation I cried out to God.   I told him I wanted to experience this love.  Real and true.

“Show me your love, Lord” my heart pleaded. 

And he did.  It was such a slow process (and I mean sss…lll…ooo…www…).  There were no earth shattering revelations, no vivid dreams or visions and I definitely didn’t hear any voices. It was about 6 months down the road before I realized the change that had happened in my heart.  I was recognizing his love.  I was seeing it.

My life is based solely in the space of God’s love and on His timelessness. He loves me completely and continually. His love for me is a reflection of his fullness, his completeness. His love is an expression of HIM… not a reflection of me or what I do or don’t deserve. 

Show me your love…

¹⁶ I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  Eph 3

So, it’s been one week (see October 1 posting)… still starting each day proclaiming his love?  Try reading Ephesians 3: 14 – 21 … out loud!

Copywrite © Doris Born – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation

Daily Fit’s and Starts, Endings and Encores September 30, 2009

Here’s a way to start and end each day…

 Is there a recipe for life? Psalm 92 :2 gives us the best way to start and end each day.  It says it is good to praise the Lord and the writer tells us specifically how to do this: To proclaim God’s unfailing love in the morning and His faithfulness at night.

Psalm 92¹ It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
      to sing praises to the Most High.
 ² It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning,
      your faithfulness in the evening,
 ³ accompanied by the ten-stringed harp
      and the melody of the lyre.

 

Proclaim God’s love

In the morning?  I am not a morning person! I often can’t think of one good reason to push back the warm duvet.  So this for me this is a stretch.

 But if you think about it… the day is going to start anyway, no matter how many times you hit the snooze button. So, if it’s gotta have a start, is there any better way to launch the day (or endure its beginning) than to turn your thoughts toward God and his love?    

 Each morning if I take the time to think about God’s love, it will give me the courage to face what each day brings.  If I know that God loves me, I can trust him to lead me throughout the day and if I am secure in his love I will have the confidence to face what ever comes my way.  God’s love will also give me what I need in dealing with people throughout the day.  Self confidence, or lack of it… make way for God confidence. Insecurity and fear can move on out.  I am in the centre of God’s love.

 

 Proclaim his Faithfulness 

Do you know how much we miss by not taking a moment to reflect on the day and thank God for his faithfulness?  Cognitive behavioral theory states that the focus of a person’s thoughts influences their feeling and behavior.  It suggests that a way to ward off depression is to start a thankfulness journal.  Everyday you record all the good things that happened to you, or the good things you have in life. 

 This is what the psalm is talking about. At the end of the day, take a moment to look back and see God’s hand. Take a moment to seek out Divine fingerprints.  Learn to recognize God’s leading and guiding.  Learn to discern his faithfulness.  He is faithful… we just need to see it.

 

 And, proclaim it out loud! 

Really? Won’t the family think I have lost the last marble?

 I researched this one a bit.  To ‘proclaim’ is to “shew forth” (Hebrew- ‘nâgad’ ) which means to audibly say something in a bold way – as if in opposition. Once again, the psalmist is stating what research is proving:  the power of the spoken word.  Something in our brain happens when we audibly hear what we know is true.  And we know what is true when we hear it. 

 So speak it loud and clear.  The spoken word also has power in the spiritual world.  I don’t know much about this… but I do know that when I speak truth there is an unleashing of power. There is a fight in the higher heavens and our prayers and praise are part of the warfare.  

 And, oh…  if you have a ten stringed harp or a lyre… feel free to strum away!

 

 October

For the month of October… let’s put this to the test. With it being the month of thanksgiving and all…wanna join me?

 -          Each morning start off with proclaiming God unfailing love.  Then, step into your day with his confidence.

 -          Each evening take a moment to proclaim God’s faithfulness. Then rest the night in peace. 

 This sounds like a great way to do life. 

 Now… Enter your praise and thanksgiving and read other’s input as we all add our ‘two-cents’ to thoughts of God’s unfailing love and faithfulness.

 And of course.. read out loud…

Blueberry Muffins and Spirituality September 18, 2009

Shawna, a mom of three young children, pulled fresh blueberry muffins from the oven and handed me a cup of amazing coffee.  Settling into her sofa we caught up on life and then dove into the question that initiated our ‘coffee’ talk.  I had about a week to think about the question she asked me, and even as we started talking I felt waves of insecurity rise within me.  Her question had been quite simple, yet deep. 

“Doris” she facebooked “I was wondering if you had some ideas on how to bring Christ and spirituality more into my children’s lives?”

Yup…waves of inadequacy. Did I do enough with my children when they were younger?  Did I instill in them a love for God and knowledge of his word that would see them through their teen years and university education? Would my children walk with God throughout their lives?

I was pregnant with my first child when I was hit with the realization that not only was I bringing a child into this world… I was also bringing a soul into eternity.  Waves of fear submerged me…what if this child rejected God…what if a child of mine rebelled against their Creator?

I have always tried to be intentional in teaching my children about God.  Over the years we did it in different ways and at different times of the day.  But before Shawna and I talked about these practical ideas I wanted to address the foundation.   As I grow my children spiritually I have to be solid in what I believe and I need to be practicing my faith.  I must be intentionally growing in my spiritual life while I am investing in my children’s. 

It is kinda like Shawna’s blueberry recipe that I copied out before I left her place.  Most of the ingredients are put into the main body of the muffins, but one-half cup of the dry mixture is saved to sprinkle on top.  The topping only reveals was is in the core. We have to make sure that we are putting the bulk of the spiritual intentionality into our own lives, and then saving some to share with our kids. We ‘sprinkle’ into their lives what is at the core of our lives. 

Waves of fear and inadequacy are replaced with waves of grace.  Romans 9 says that it is God’s mercy that draws us to him.  In understanding the attributes of God, we see that he is faithful. Our amazing God who reveals himself to us can also reveal himself to our children. We just get to help set the stage.

This can include:

-          Regular prayer time at meals, before bed and maybe even in the car before you head out of the garage.  Definitely let your family experience prayer when there is crisis. Let them see you turning to God for needs.

-          Regular Bible reading times. 

• When the children were younger we read bible stories as part of our bedtime rituals.
• As they got older we read after the supper meal
• Now, we try to read at breakfast before they head off to school.

-          At one stage we had evening family time (after they were in p.j.’s).  Sometimes I’d pull out the guitar and we sang camp songs and other times we learned memory verses by putting our own actions to them.  Even before my son could read, he had Psalm 1 memorized… complete with actions. We always tried to keep these times fun and entertaining.

And then there are the ‘talk-as-we-walk-through-life’ training times (Deut 6).  I’d ask God to reveal himself in ways that I can point out to the children, enabling God’s truth to be brought into conversations and situations.  He will do it… we just need to ask and then watch to see him ‘show up’ all around us.

-          Seeing beauty in nature reflecting God

-          Recognizing God’s provision in our lives

-          Recounting answered prayers

-          Letting our children see us live moral lives sustained with integrity

-          Demonstrating God through love and discipline

Really, each day is loaded with opportunities to implement spiritual perspectives.  Inadequacies are countered by filling up on God’s grace each day and counting in His faithfulness. I still have more years to pour into my children.  I’m glad I started when they were young, but I want to have a lifetime of bringing Christ into my children’s lives.  And then someday…I hope to influence my grandchildren! 

And maybe, I’ll even pass on Shawna’s blueberry muffin recipe. Thanks for the talk Shawna…