The Jones January 27, 2010

It’s the end of January.  By now, you probably have the bills from Christmas.  What is your reaction when you saw the statements?  It could be everything from “worth every penny!!” to “what was I thinking??”

Most of us struggle with finances, and January brings this tension to the next level.  I am not a financial advisor and quite honestly I continually struggle with family accounting!  I often wonder where our household money goes.  But thanks to this New Year’s resolution and dogged perseverance I am going to keep that budget updated this year… I hope.

Money is an issue in each household.  It may have different looks and stress points in each family but we all live with trying to find the balance between living within our means and dreams. 

Have you ever heard the saying “keeping up with the Jones”? I think this is partly the reason finances can be such a point of contention in our lives.  We feel like we need to keep up with the materialistic standard that is set around us.  The neighbor has a new car or bought a flat screen high-def TV and we feel we need to have the same. Friends booked a trip to the Caribbean and now we need to travel. 

You know this is nothing new, right? King Solomon (the wisest man who ever lived) pointed it out a long time ago:

Ecclesiastes 4:4 Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.

The pressure to keep up with the Jones has been since the beginning of time.  And often marriages and family relationships are sacrificed to neighborhood comparisons.  The need to make money and pay the bills incurred by living outside our means, causes financial pressure and the need for longer works hours.

This is not what most of us want.  I’m taking a clip out of our FamilyLife Real Marriage Magazine:

For most women, the emotional security of a close relationship with their husband is far more important than financial security.  One survey showed that, if they were forced to choose between experiencing financial struggles or a lack of closeness in their relationship, 70% of married women would take the money problems. 

Translation: Guys, your wife would rather have you at home whenever possible than have you work long hours to “provide better”. (for Men only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn p.77)

I have found this true in many relationships that I have seen.  The husband thinks that he is ‘taking care of the family’ by working longer hours, trying to make more money but in reality the family would much rather have his time than the new toy. And often we get caught up in the lie that we are taking care of the family when in reality… we are just keeping up with the Jones.  Success driven by envy – we want what the neighbor has.

So instead of a getting a second job or booking more hours to up the paycheck, take stock of what is important.  What do you really want out of life?  Good relationships within the family or a family that just looks good compared to the Jones.  I’m thinking that close family ties and each other’s presence far outweigh any presents.

And really… who are the Jones? Good luck trying to catch the wind.

The Big Dipper January 21, 2010

I love the crisp clear nights that the cold weather brings.  Sitting outside I am lost in the wonder of the stars as they sparkle like diamonds in the dark winter sky.  The icy air and the beauty of the star-studded sky is literally breath-taking. 

Immediately I search out the Big Dipper.  I am obviously just a novice star-gazer as this common constellation is always the first one I look for.  Finding familiar grouping of stars I am transported in memory to my childhood. 

I first met the Big Dipper while living under the vast prairie sky.  Four stars outlining the cup and the three-star handle was easy to spot and it was my habit to search it out. It is part of my childhood.  If I ever felt fear from the dark night, I would look up in the sky and find the familiar formation of stars and feel secure. It was a familiarity of recognition.

Then I moved to Africa, and I was surprised to see that this familiar constellation upside-down in the night sky.  This would aptly describe how I felt with the transition of moving to the other side of the world at 16 years of age. My world tipped over.  The contents that were so securely contained in the Big Dipper of the prairie sky now tumbled out of the inverted cup. 

Transitions and up-side down life is often the tale of most of our lives.  One thing that won’t change in this world is the fact that things change.

When I searched out the night sky I felt the keen sense of time passing.  I’ve seen that Dipper in many night skies and in so many formations over the years that the childhood memory of first falling in love with the constellation  seemed very long ago.  In fact, I felt old!  And in that moment I felt the fear of the unknown.  What will it feel like to age? Will I have regrets? Will I look back on my life and wish I had done it differently?

Immediately my heart turned towards dialogue with God. Even more familiar than the beauty of the Big Dipper is the conversation that my heart has with the Maker of the stars. In Africa, when the Dipper turned upside down, I turned to God.  I was crazy enough to believe that the Creator of the magnificent night sky also created and cared about me.  I promised to seek him with all my heart and he rearranged my life.  He still is.

“You’ll face the changes through out your life because you know Me” was His answer to my questions. 

Psalm 147:4 “He counts the stars and calls them all by name.”

Try to wrap you head around the fact that God has named each star.  I ‘googled’ the question “how many stars are there” and hit some amazing articles.  It is impossible to know how many stars there are.  Yet each night, we can identify a good number of familiar constellations.  Doesn’t this say something about our Creator?  His being is beyond our measurement, yet he is faithful.   We can live in the familiarity of relationship with him, yet we will never begin to truly understand him.

Psalm 147:11 “The Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.”

 This is how I want to enter the New Year.  I want the majesty of God to overwhelm me and I want to be confident in His faithfulness.  I can face the changes that each year brings.  I can face the future and live life without regret because I am living a life that is surrendered to a faithful and loving God.  I know God and believe Him.  To try to run my own life would be as ridiculous as trying to control the constellations.

Copywrite © Doris Born 2010 – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation

A Cookie Sheet Ritual December 22, 2009

It happened.  It’s official.  I am now the shortest person in my family. The youngest-Born has passed me up.

Eight years ago, the oldest-Born surpassed me in height.  Standing back to back with my daughter, we balanced a cookie sheet on our heads.  Then while the whole family watched, my husband dropped the small bouncy-ball in the middle of the cookie sheet.  We all held our breath as the ball slowly started to move.  Gaining momentum, it rolled my direction, jumped over the lip and bounced to the floor.  The final verdict was substantiated with indisputable empirical evidence… I was shorter.  With hugs and squeals of delight we celebrated the moment.

With each child we did the same ritual.  Back to back, a cookie sheet and a ball.  Sometime we’ve used a golf ball, a tennis ball or even a foosball.  I didn’t always loose, you know.  There were many practice attempts as it became each child’s goal to take me down.  But sometimes they didn’t have the height to back up the enthusiasm and I’d heave a sigh of relief as the ball dipped off their end. 

But as of last week… the “Cookie Sheet Ritual” is over… at least with my own children.

“You know, Doris” my husband said with a twinkle in his eye after one triumphal cookie sheet celebration.  “Being taller than you isn’t really that big a deal”.  I punched him in the gut. 

For the record, I am ¾ of an inch taller than the average height of North American women.  But, it seems like all the people in my family aren’t average!  I was the shortest in my family and I never did pass up my mom.  It is true that I am now taller than her, but that was because she shrunk (sorry mom, but it’s true).  I have always been the shortest in my family, and not necessarily the lightest either (which another whole topic that I don’t want to get into at this moment).

My husband is right.  Being taller than me is not that big a deal.  I know that I should also be apologizing for the gut-punch, but he’s tough (he’s from a family of all boys and he’s not the shortest). But, I take his point.  Perhaps the accomplishment isn’t that big… but CELEBRATING it is!!

I try to take every occasion for celebrations.  Life is short.  So celebrate often.  Celebrate everything and even anything.  Give a hug, do a dance, send a card or bake a cake (or buy one and say you baked it).  And if you can, make a tradition.  Something as crazy as the “cookie sheet ritual” became our family tradition.

This is the season for family traditions. Christmas is a time for celebration.  Take a moment to remember some past family traditions and take the time to re-create them.  Don’t miss this moment.

A Gift December 12, 2009

The early morning jog seemed colder than normal and I felt chilled to the bone, so I stayed in the hot shower a bit longer than usual.  I had almost exhausted the hot water supply when I finally turned off the taps.  Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel.  As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame.  My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer!  I cannot describe how magical it felt.  The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul.  I felt loved.  What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart. 

Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight?  This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea.  Nope.  He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book.  But… who cares?? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from.  I was relishing in his implementation of the idea.  That was the gift.

Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet?  According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late.  But I don’t believe him.  Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already.  The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.

For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together.  Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity.  No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship. 

So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship.  Find out new ways to say I love you.  Pick up a marriage book.  Plan to attend a marriage seminar.  Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas.  Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.

Making a List December 3, 2009

I recommend making a list.  I’m not talking about Santa’s list of naughty and nice.  The list I’m referring to is a friendship list.

Yesterday I had a great conversation with an old friend.  Although I have many years on her, she’s an ‘old friend’ because our friendship is an old one.  Years old.  We’ve enjoyed many conversations, prayer times and shared experiences in work and life.  She watched my family grow up and laughed at their funny stories.  She house-sat, babysat and just sat on my couch with me while we enjoyed a cup of coffee.  I’ve watched her grow up, get married and now I’m getting a kick out of the stories about her children.

“One of my friends had a brilliant idea” she said into the phone yesterday.  “A couple of years ago, she made a list of all the people that she didn’t want to lose contact with. I made her list”.  She laughed.  I was awestruck.

I’m a list person.  I write out my ‘To-Do’ list and then derive great joy from checking off the completed tasks.  In fact, if I do something that is not on the list… I’ll even jot-it-down just so I can check-it-off! You list- people out there know exactly what I’m talking about.  So a friendship list was a merger of two great things… lists and friendships.

I love the concept of recognizing those who are important to you and then being intentional in maintaining those friendships.  Friendships are important.  We are not meant to walk this road of life alone.   And these lists may change.  Throughout our life we are continually meeting people and as a wise friend once told me: “friendships can be for a reason, for a season or for a life-time”.

The Christmas season is a great time to reconnect with friends and to create new friendships. So make a list.  Who are the people in your life that you don’t want to lose connection with?  Make a list including names of people that could act as mentors in your life, or people that you could be a mentor to. List family friends, couple friends and those ‘inner circle of my life’ friends. Life is busy and always changing.  In order to hold onto friendships and to make them grow it is like anything else that is rewarding – it takes time and effort.  We need to be intentional.  And being intentional is what list-making is all about.

Making a list… checking it twice…  Now you’ve got that annoying tune stuck in your head…for the next couple of hours!  Hee hee. Yup – I can be naughty and nice.

Thirty Seconds… Part II November 23, 2009

Last week a friend commented about my blog and the 30 second rule.  “That rule not only applies to parenting… it applies to all relationships!” She’s right!

But here’s the real kicker… this principle can also be applied between us and our Heavenly Father.

This face-full attention is exactly what our gracious Heavenly Father does for us, his children.  Are we ever surprised that great parenting tips or people skills are actually based on how God interacts with us? In Numbers 6:24-26 God gave a special blessing to be used with His people.  You may have heard it as a benediction: 

            “The LORD bless you and keep you, the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” 

The next time we feel like we are just clinging to the peripheral being of God, we need to take a moment and allow ourselves to imagine our Heavenly Father turning his face towards us.  He drops to one knee, so to speak, looks directly into our eyes and gives us his full face.  He promised that he would bless and keep us, be gracious to us and that he would turn his face toward us… so we need to envision God looking us right in the eye. 

We can tell him exactly what we are feeling.  Irrational, irreligious or even impertinent – God hears it all. In our pain and helplessness, and in full understanding and love… he faces us.  Then, in an act that can only be described as gracious, he gives us his peace. 

Because he is a perfect God, he will not limit his attention to 30 seconds.  But quite honestly, when we walk and talk with God in the moments of our lives, a 30-second prayer is often all that is needed to regain a sense of his peace.  If we are abiding in God, when we hit those moments of needing his attention, it is amazing how a 30-second connection is really all we need. It doesn’t replace the time and dedication that God wants from us in concentrated prayer and worship, but it is definitely how he wants to walk through each day with us.  This is how we live life in his strength.

So in the next 30 seconds, imagine your heavenly Father turning his face toward you.  Trust in his grace and allow his face to shine on you.  Give him your worries and let him give you his peace.  It may be the beginning of a lifestyle of enjoying 30 seconds of grace and peace…for everyone.

Thirty Seconds (Part I) November 14, 2009

At twenty-six years of age I was eight months pregnant with our fourth child. It seemed like I spent most of my time wiping counters, faces, hands or bottoms. I often had at least one child clinging to my pant legs, either wanting my attention or just randomly tattling on the others.

In the middle of this stage of my life I learned about the 30 second rule from a parenting talk show on the radio. It’s been a while since I was 26, and quite seriously, the fact that I can remember anything from that stage of life is nothing less than miraculous (remember…I was pregnant then), so I may not explain the principle exactly as it was taught, but here it is:

When a child is fussing at your feet, or acting out unreasonably, drop to one knee and look the child straight in the eyes and listen to his complaint.  Chances are, after 30 seconds the child will be satisfied that he has been heard, and he will go back to his activities.

So…I tried it. 

I had a child hovering by my side, whining in that indiscernible language, at that unbearable pitch.  I was in the kitchen (I mean, where else would I have been??) when I remembered the 30-second challenge.  I took a deep breath and dropped to one knee, which is alot harder than it sounds…remember, I was pregnant. 

It is a significant maneuver for an eight-month pregnant woman to shuffle down to the floor.  And that is if she can even see the floor. Transferring the weight of my encumbered body I eased myself down hoping that the spot where I landed was void of lego! 

Squatting awkwardly, so I could actually look my daughter in the eye, I was greeted with a look of complete shock.  At first I thought it was the magnitude of the action, or just the magnitude of me in front of her that caught her off guard, but then I realized it was my interest that surprised her. Clearly this child was not used to having the attention of my full face (and trust me… it was a full face at that stage of pregnancy!).

Sheepishly, I realized my kids mostly speak to my back, or, more in-line with their level of sight…my butt.  Without digressing to fat bottom jokes, I do have to point out–who would want to talk to that?  I conceded that I rarely gave my children my full attention.  I multi-tasked their questions and needs. My little girl was literally speechless when I dropped to her level, looked into her eyes, and gave her my undivided attention.

“What do you want to say to Mommy?” I asked.  It took her a few moments to collect her thoughts, but with a clear voice and expressive eyes, she stated her concern.  And I listened.  She didn’t need me to solve anything; she just wanted to be heard. 

Forgive me…but throughout this whole exchange with my daughter I was counting seconds.  I was willing to try the 30 second challenge, but I could only be a beached whale, down on one knee for a designated time…especially when I realized there was no crisis to be solved.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I had not even yet counted to 10, when my daughter gave me a smile, turned on her heels and headed back to her play time.  “That was it?” was my first thought as I started the difficult tactical exercise of ascending to a standing position.  (At least heading down to the floor was aided by gravity!)

In the following years, I have been continually surprised.  Truly, 30 seconds is an exaggerated time allotment!  I didn’t always practice it–I did learn the art of “tuning out”. But when we look our kids in the eyes and give them our full attention, it doesn’t take very long to convey that they are important.   In the toddler years, this 30 second challenge became the end-point of most of the whining. 

These days, I have to look up to catch the eyes of  my kids, but I still do it.  I desperately want to be a mom that gives them my full face.  When there are things that require discussion, we can broach the subjects head on…because we’ve been facing them throughout their lives.

So, take the challenge.  Today, drop to one knee, look your little one in the eye and listen…and count if you need to.  30 seconds will likely be more than enough time.

Loud and Clear November 6, 2009

Yesterday, as I was dropping my daughter off at the local high school we had a rather startling conversation about marital commitment. We had been talking about one of her friends whose parents had just separated.  The transition had been tough on her friend. Separation, strained living situations and the drama surrounding the family was supplanting what every teen looks forward to in their grade-twelve year.  Hurt and betrayal overshadowed grad-class celebrations.

Pulling into the school parking lot, I repeated something to my daughter that I am sure she has heard me say countless times. “You know my dear” I said with the calm assurance “that is one thing you never have to worry about with dad and me.  We will never leave each other.  We will never get a divorce.”

In the brief second before she stepped out of the car, she turned her body so that her eyes looked straight into mine.  “That is exactly what my friend’s parents had said to her”. 

She opened the car door and left…. but not before I tried to get more words in.  Still, my words sounded hollow, weak and even hubristic.  “Oh, it’ll never happen to us” ran through my mind, but instantly there was the realization that confident posturing can not protect a young heart from the fear and disillusionment that lives in a world that doesn’t know how to keep its promises.

So, what do you do when you can’t seem to be heard?  I’d suggest yelling.  And yell it loud! 

Everyday let your kids see you “yelling” your commitment to each other.  Obviously I am not talking about elevated voice levels, but through words of affirmation and commitment.  Let them hear you talk about your devotion to the family and the marriage covenant you made.  Words are important, but often they are not enough. 

Yell through your actions. Let your family see you treat each other with respect and love. Show it in your schedule, creating time for each other. There is nothing like a date night to say to your kids – we are committed.  Marriage retreats, reading marriage books even displays of affection can solidify the look and feel of commitment.

Chances are, every child at one time or another has wondered if their family will survive.  Chances are, you have even wondered yourself if your marriage is going to make it!  So, put everyone’s mind at ease.  Start by committing yourself to each other.   Through words and actions keep your commitment to each other loud and clear.

This evening my husband and I as we are speaking at a marriage event .  Guess what our topic is.  Commitment!

 

T.P. and technology October 29, 2009

If your household is like ours you are encountering a whole new sociological phenomenon: the ‘always- in-contact’ generation. Yesterday this hit an all new level for our family.

I was making my morning latte when the telephone rang and my husband answered. I heard the following his-half of the conversation: “Hello” “What?? (snicker, snicker)” “Okay” and he hung up. I was instantly curious.

Apparently it was our daughter… from the downstairs bathroom! She found herself in that ever-so-awkward, yet familiar predicament. The toilet paper roll was empty. She had tried yelling for more t.p. but the hissing of my cappuccino machine drowned out her cries for help. So, typically innovative, she used her ever-present cell… and called.

Really… a cell phone, even in the bathroom?

I have benefited from my daughter’s cell. I can get a hold of her at anytime because we have an understanding that she ALWAYS answers my calls (thank you call-display). She lets me know her change in plans… which happens often in a teenager’s world. I love the safety aspect. She can call from any situation where she feels uncomfortable and we will come immediately to pick her up. Yup – I am a fan of the cell phone. Are you surprised?

I’ve read so many articles crying the woes of the ‘need-to-be-in-touch’ generation. I am mystified that teens find it socially appropriate to be visiting and texting at the same time. I’ve had groups of teenagers in my home and I get such a kick out of watching each one intermittingly pull out their cell, read and respond to a text and flip it closed while hardly breaking from the conversation. The best was observing a group of teens watch a movie together. They text each other – even though they were only a sofa away!

Okay, so it is a bit much. But I am willing to embrace a bit of cultural diversity in order to create relationship. Over the years we have come to some clear agreements with our cell-packing teens.

•  My calls are ALWAYS answered. I get priority calling as they keep me in the loop with their schedule. Sometimes I call just to say I love ‘em and to throw them off…
•  No texting at the table or during family discussions
• The phone is not to be used after 11 pm on week-days / midnight on weekends. This is to support self-moderation. We came up with this rule together… literally bartering to a negotiated agreement. This needs to be age appropriate.
• When texting around me, I have the right to ask who they are communicating with. This is one way that they respect me, but really… I’m just nosey. They get it.
• I will never read their text messages. This is me respecting them. Although tempted to read their texts to ‘check up’ on them, my hubby and I agreed that this would be inappropriate parenting. Trust needs to be earned BOTH ways.
• They pay their phone bills. This one has caused a bit of consternation, but we found ‘pay as you go’ the best way to learn cell phone moderation. A friend of mine was as horrified as her daughter, when they received her first month’s phone bill… over $300!
• There are agreed upon consequences if these guidelines are broken.

As a parent, I am responsible to understand the culture that my children are living in. My role as a parent is constantly changing as my children grow. We pick our battles, we come up with negotiated guidelines and we don’t nag. Building trust and respect both ways allows them to make mistakes and we offer support whenever we can.

And, when they call asking for toilet paper… we laugh all the way to the supply closet. I’m glad she called.

Gasping or grasping love October 23, 2009

So? Are you starting the morning proclaiming His love (see Sept 30)? Grasping God’s love is only the starting point.

I talked with a woman who gave me this phrase: “Doris, before I can love my husband… I have to learn to love myself.” We were talking about her strained marriage and the emphasis was clearly on the ‘before’. My response: “Yah, good luck with that… tell me how it goes…”

Okay, I wasn’t that blunt. But really? How do we ever get to the point where we love ourselves enough to then love others? Is it really a “one” then “two” step process? I came through the 80’s and 90’s with that mantra… “you gotta love yourself before you can love others.”

Perhaps you’ve heard someone liken it to the flight attendant’s instructions… “In the highly unlikely event that there is a change in cabin air pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the station above you… You should don your own mask prior to assisting others.”

May I point out that those instructions are only in the case of a sudden loss in cabin air pressure? It was never meant to be a philosophical epiphany about love!

I don’t think we can wait until the first step is complete before we take the next step. When do I arrive at the state of ‘loving myself’?? I know that there are so many things in my personality, in my core being that aren’t very lovable. Quite simply… if it’s all about me it’s going to be a very long, long time before I would love myself enough to feel ready to start loving other. I can see myself, sucking the oxygen dry from the yellow mask clutched between my two sweaty palms… gasp, gasp!

Honestly… I don’t think this works. I’ve never seen someone pull away from loving people around them, to learn to love themselves first in order to feel ‘loved’ enough to start loving others. It just doesn’t happen. Self-love quickly turns into an attitude of unconstrained selfishness.

And I have an idea why. Okay it might not be a philosophical epiphany… but it’s an idea.

Love is never realized outside of the context of community. It is meant to be experienced within the framework of give ‘n take. Loving others is just as important as loving yourself. And loving yourself is just as important as loving others. That is why Jesus proclaimed “love others as you love yourself” (Mark 12). Yup, I looked it up; “as” (Greek ως – hos ). It means ‘in that manner’ or ‘like-wise’. I see it as a balance. Whatever you put on one side of the ‘as’ needs to be put on the other side.

As I love myself, I love others. As I love others, I love myself.

So as we start each day in this month of October, take a moment to start in God’s love. Then love yourself as you love others. Love others as you love yourself. Do this in tandem. Do this in balance.

Love your spouse as you love yourself. Love yourself as you love your children. Love your friends, coworkers and neighbors as you love yourself. That’s the reality of grasping God’s love. 

So let go of the mask disguised as “self love”. Breath in God’s love and love others as you love yourself.