Embracing the Future

She’s absolutely beautiful.  Her grad dress fits her perfectly; accentuating her slender frame and square shoulders and the “cobalt blue” material highlights her large blue eyes. She’s our treasured daughter.  She’s graduating from high school and she is ready to take on life!

Can you believe how time flies?  It seems like only yesterday I was in emergency waiting for the x-ray results that proved that this little girl had swallowed a battery. Two circular watch batteries had been pried from a ‘talking doll’ and I had purposely pushed them farther up onto the counter, away from my daughter’s high chair.  Less than three minutes later I looked at the batteries and to my horror there was only one. My daughter was standing in her high chair looking a little mischievous. My battery munching munchkin was too young to communicate clearly, so it was only a rhetorical question that I posed: “did you swallow that battery”? She just smiled.  And we drove very fast to the hospital.

The x-ray made the doctor laugh. Apparently, circular metallic objects are very easy to detect on an x-ray. “Yes.  It’s already through her stomach and it should pass through in no time”.  He gave me the perfunctory instructions to inspect her diapers making sure she ‘discharged’ the battery within 24 hours.  Funny.

She’s been my energizer bunny ever since.  Movement and action is part of her existence.  I adore her.  Her energy, her sense of adventure and her posturing of strength and toughness is especially evident on the soccer field.  She loves showing off her bruises. 

Now, all dressed up for grad I can’t help but wonder what her future holds. Probably… more bruises.  Life is hard.  We all get bruised throughout life.

Right around the time when I was pregnant with this daughter, we had a wooden plaque with a scripture verse etched into it.  It hung by the phone and I read it often.  It was the same verse that was highlighted at our church’s grad festivities.  It reads:

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” 

Deuteronomy 33:27

Embracing the Future

This verse meant so much to me during my young mothering years.  Now I pass it on to my graduating daughter. How grateful I am that my heavenly Father is our refuge.  Refuge – meh-o-naw’ (Hebrew).  It means a “habitation, dwelling place, refuge”.  This is a place where one can live.

My girl is growing up.  I won’t always have her at home. But I know that our Heavenly Father can always be her home. He will be a refuge in times of trouble and a place where she can live daily. That’s way more than I can offer.  Remember… she swallowed a battery when she was on “my” watch!

I won’t always be there to give my daughter the hugs that she needs but I know that God’s everlasting arms will wrap around her.  He has her in the center of his embrace, and that is exactly the best place to be.

I’ve enjoyed the years God has blessed me with my beautiful daughter.  Now as she walks across the stage to receive her high school diploma, she is embarking on another stage of life.  My prayer is that God will be her refuge and that she will always feel the embrace of his everlasting arms.

Accident

 

Last night we got the call that every parent dreads.  “Dad… I’ve been in an accident…” sobbed our 17-year old daughter on the other end of the phone.  “.. The car… I lost control… it flipped… it’s on its roof.” Hysteria was in her voice and my husband strained to understand her words.  “I’m so scared…”

My hubby’s hands trembled as he hung up the phone after getting more details. We drove to the accident site and arrived just after the ambulance.  Although my daughter and her passenger were shaken up, they were able to get out of the car on their own.  My daughter’s friends were following behind her and they immediately were at the scene offering their support.  It was their cell phone that was used to contact us. The ambulance ride to the hospital and subsequent x-rays were only precautionary.  No broken bones, no serious injury, yet they are sore.

But there is another side of the story.  A story of friendships.

When we arrived at the accident, we were met by the ambulance attendant.  He approached us giving a quick run-down of what happened.   “The girls are okay… but they are shaken up” he concluded with his professional voice.  Immediately we recognized the attendant.  He had been on my husband’s slow-pitch team a few years ago.  Quickly, his demeanor changed from professional to friendly.  He gave us ample time to hug the girls, letting them cry on our shoulder before herding us gently into the ambulance.  Even though our daughter was strapped to the spine board, the drive to the hospital was quite relaxed as the attendant told stories and the conversation had a feeling of ‘catching up on the past couple of years’.

We walked into the emergency ward and were greeted by the nurses.  One was a friend from our homeschooling days, and the other was a good friend from church.  As they were going over my daughter’s vitals the emergency doctor looked over to the stretcher and smiled.  “Is that my babysitter?” he asked.  Yup – my daughter babysits once a week for him and his wife.  The care was great but it was even more comforting knowing that we were surrounded by friends.  Our friends came to the accident site and later to the hospital, lending us their car.

Then to top it off, the clerk at the admissions counter was a beautiful young woman that graduated with my oldest daughter.  Really… you know it’s a small town when…

The car is totaled.  Yup, the new car (see previous blog) but my baby girl is fine.  The police said that she was doing things right; seatbelts were done up, “N” on the car and only one other passenger (BC laws) and she wasn’t speeding.  Just a corner on a gravel road taken faster than her driving experience warranted. An accident.

It probably took less than 10 seconds to go from fishtailing to hitting the ditch and flipping. But those seconds keep replaying over and over in my daughter’s mind. 

Last night at about 3 am I went to check up on my daughter.  In her restless sleep she was whimpering and moaning.  I crawled into bed with her, hoping that the security of me being beside her would ease her emotional and muscular pain. Cuddling her for a few moments I realized once again that a mother’s comfort can only go so far.  This is where I need to turn her over to the care of our deepest friend- Jesus.  

I prayed again the very thing I prayed when I first wrapped my arms around the girls at the accident scene.  Thanking God that they were safe I asked His presence now to flood over their emotions allowing them to experience his peace. 

We were never promised an accident-free life. “In this world you will have trouble” John 16:33.  

But we have been promised a Savior that will walk each step of the way with us.  “I have told you these things to that you will have peace” John 16 :33

And this peace is deeper than friends’ care or a mother’s comfort “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Just as we enjoyed the care of various friends along the way last evening, I am entrusting the care of my daughter to my best friend of all.  Jesus can touch her mind and emotions with his peace. I trust him with this one.

Copywrite © Doris Born 2010 – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation

really wierd

This is totally weird!  We packed up the car and the four of us headed out for spring break.

The first part that is weird is the car part.  You see, we have been driving the family van for the past 16 years.  The “loser cruiser” is what our teenage children call it.  But we drove it happily because the seven-seater fitted our family of six just fine, and there was always room for one more.  We’ve used our van to transport sports teams, mission trips and we took all our family vacations in it.

Last week we down sized.  After spending considerable time researching and test-driving many vehicles we bought a car. It has better gas mileage.  It’ll better for the environment and our budget.  But… a car?  It only seats five!

This is the really weird part!  Only two of our four children joined us on this trip. That’s only ½ our offspring.  Downsizing a car is one thing… but downsizing our family? 

The four of us fit quite nicely in our new car. This is the first trip where the ‘whole’ family isn’t coming.  Our high school teens have spring break, which doesn’t co-ordinate with our university students’ spring break. Our two older daughters couldn’t come with us.

So as the four of us settled into our new car, I have three choices:  cry, be happy or just be okay with it.

Recently a friend told me a story she had heard.  Two families were on the beach building sand castles.  As the tide came in, the families struggled to try to save their castles from the eroding waves.  They fought fiercely trying to build thicker dams, larger moats and reinforcing the walls, but their efforts were futile against the power of the ocean. Eventually both sandcastles melted back into the shoreline. 

What was interesting about the whole scene was how the two families responded to their situation.

One family turned to hysteria.  The children were screaming, crying in anger and frustration as they watched their hard work wash away.  The parent became exasperated with their children and in the end the entire family had a meltdown as they headed angrily to their car (I’m sure it was a family van…).

The other family responded very differently.  The father recognized the futility of the struggle so he proposed that they move farther inshore and build a new castle beyond the pull of the tide.  With renewed energy the family started the process again.  They still built a sand castle, it just looked different and was in a new location.

This story fits my stage of life!!  The tides of time are changing my family dynamics.  Some children are leaving home while the ones at home increase their independence daily.  We are all changing, and it would be impossible to try to hold on to the previous style of ‘family’.

So… I think I will do all three choices.  I will cry.  It is painful and I do need time to grieve life changes.  I will laugh.  I want to enjoy this new stage. Plus, having only two children on the trip is easier on the environment and our budget!  We will still make memories. 

And… I will be okay with it. Life changes.  I want to enjoy the reality of today. I want to create a balance of hope for the future and warm memories of the past. 

I want to enjoy this trip.  Four of us in a car.  But it still feels a bit weird.

Copywrite © Doris Born 2010 – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation

The Jones

It’s the end of January.  By now, you probably have the bills from Christmas.  What is your reaction when you saw the statements?  It could be everything from “worth every penny!!” to “what was I thinking??”

Most of us struggle with finances, and January brings this tension to the next level.  I am not a financial advisor and quite honestly I continually struggle with family accounting!  I often wonder where our household money goes.  But thanks to this New Year’s resolution and dogged perseverance I am going to keep that budget updated this year… I hope.

Money is an issue in each household.  It may have different looks and stress points in each family but we all live with trying to find the balance between living within our means and dreams. 

Have you ever heard the saying “keeping up with the Jones”? I think this is partly the reason finances can be such a point of contention in our lives.  We feel like we need to keep up with the materialistic standard that is set around us.  The neighbor has a new car or bought a flat screen high-def TV and we feel we need to have the same. Friends booked a trip to the Caribbean and now we need to travel. 

You know this is nothing new, right? King Solomon (the wisest man who ever lived) pointed it out a long time ago:

Ecclesiastes 4:4 Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.

The pressure to keep up with the Jones has been since the beginning of time.  And often marriages and family relationships are sacrificed to neighborhood comparisons.  The need to make money and pay the bills incurred by living outside our means, causes financial pressure and the need for longer works hours.

This is not what most of us want.  I’m taking a clip out of our FamilyLife Real Marriage Magazine:

For most women, the emotional security of a close relationship with their husband is far more important than financial security.  One survey showed that, if they were forced to choose between experiencing financial struggles or a lack of closeness in their relationship, 70% of married women would take the money problems. 

Translation: Guys, your wife would rather have you at home whenever possible than have you work long hours to “provide better”. (for Men only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn p.77)

I have found this true in many relationships that I have seen.  The husband thinks that he is ‘taking care of the family’ by working longer hours, trying to make more money but in reality the family would much rather have his time than the new toy. And often we get caught up in the lie that we are taking care of the family when in reality… we are just keeping up with the Jones.  Success driven by envy – we want what the neighbor has.

So instead of a getting a second job or booking more hours to up the paycheck, take stock of what is important.  What do you really want out of life?  Good relationships within the family or a family that just looks good compared to the Jones.  I’m thinking that close family ties and each other’s presence far outweigh any presents.

And really… who are the Jones? Good luck trying to catch the wind.

Copywrite © Doris Born 2010 – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper citation

A Cookie Sheet Ritual

It happened.  It’s official.  I am now the shortest person in my family. The youngest-Born has passed me up.

Eight years ago, the oldest-Born surpassed me in height.  Standing back to back with my daughter, we balanced a cookie sheet on our heads.  Then while the whole family watched, my husband dropped the small bouncy-ball in the middle of the cookie sheet.  We all held our breath as the ball slowly started to move.  Gaining momentum, it rolled my direction, jumped over the lip and bounced to the floor.  The final verdict was substantiated with indisputable empirical evidence… I was shorter.  With hugs and squeals of delight we celebrated the moment.

With each child we did the same ritual.  Back to back, a cookie sheet and a ball.  Sometime we’ve used a golf ball, a tennis ball or even a foosball.  I didn’t always loose, you know.  There were many practice attempts as it became each child’s goal to take me down.  But sometimes they didn’t have the height to back up the enthusiasm and I’d heave a sigh of relief as the ball dipped off their end. 

But as of last week… the “Cookie Sheet Ritual” is over… at least with my own children.

“You know, Doris” my husband said with a twinkle in his eye after one triumphal cookie sheet celebration.  “Being taller than you isn’t really that big a deal”.  I punched him in the gut. 

For the record, I am ¾ of an inch taller than the average height of North American women.  But, it seems like all the people in my family aren’t average!  I was the shortest in my family and I never did pass up my mom.  It is true that I am now taller than her, but that was because she shrunk (sorry mom, but it’s true).  I have always been the shortest in my family, and not necessarily the lightest either (which another whole topic that I don’t want to get into at this moment).

My husband is right.  Being taller than me is not that big a deal.  I know that I should also be apologizing for the gut-punch, but he’s tough (he’s from a family of all boys and he’s not the shortest). But, I take his point.  Perhaps the accomplishment isn’t that big… but CELEBRATING it is!!

I try to take every occasion for celebrations.  Life is short.  So celebrate often.  Celebrate everything and even anything.  Give a hug, do a dance, send a card or bake a cake (or buy one and say you baked it).  And if you can, make a tradition.  Something as crazy as the “cookie sheet ritual” became our family tradition.

This is the season for family traditions. Christmas is a time for celebration.  Take a moment to remember some past family traditions and take the time to re-create them.  Don’t miss this moment.

Thirty Seconds (Part I)

At twenty-six years of age I was eight months pregnant with our fourth child. It seemed like I spent most of my time wiping counters, faces, hands or bottoms. I often had at least one child clinging to my pant legs, either wanting my attention or just randomly tattling on the others.

In the middle of this stage of my life I learned about the 30 second rule from a parenting talk show on the radio. It’s been a while since I was 26, and quite seriously, the fact that I can remember anything from that stage of life is nothing less than miraculous (remember…I was pregnant then), so I may not explain the principle exactly as it was taught, but here it is:

When a child is fussing at your feet, or acting out unreasonably, drop to one knee and look the child straight in the eyes and listen to his complaint.  Chances are, after 30 seconds the child will be satisfied that he has been heard, and he will go back to his activities.

So…I tried it. 

I had a child hovering by my side, whining in that indiscernible language, at that unbearable pitch.  I was in the kitchen (I mean, where else would I have been??) when I remembered the 30-second challenge.  I took a deep breath and dropped to one knee, which is alot harder than it sounds…remember, I was pregnant. 

It is a significant maneuver for an eight-month pregnant woman to shuffle down to the floor.  And that is if she can even see the floor. Transferring the weight of my encumbered body I eased myself down hoping that the spot where I landed was void of lego! 

Squatting awkwardly, so I could actually look my daughter in the eye, I was greeted with a look of complete shock.  At first I thought it was the magnitude of the action, or just the magnitude of me in front of her that caught her off guard, but then I realized it was my interest that surprised her. Clearly this child was not used to having the attention of my full face (and trust me… it was a full face at that stage of pregnancy!).

Sheepishly, I realized my kids mostly speak to my back, or, more in-line with their level of sight…my butt.  Without digressing to fat bottom jokes, I do have to point out–who would want to talk to that?  I conceded that I rarely gave my children my full attention.  I multi-tasked their questions and needs. My little girl was literally speechless when I dropped to her level, looked into her eyes, and gave her my undivided attention.

“What do you want to say to Mommy?” I asked.  It took her a few moments to collect her thoughts, but with a clear voice and expressive eyes, she stated her concern.  And I listened.  She didn’t need me to solve anything; she just wanted to be heard. 

Forgive me…but throughout this whole exchange with my daughter I was counting seconds.  I was willing to try the 30 second challenge, but I could only be a beached whale, down on one knee for a designated time…especially when I realized there was no crisis to be solved.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I had not even yet counted to 10, when my daughter gave me a smile, turned on her heels and headed back to her play time.  “That was it?” was my first thought as I started the difficult tactical exercise of ascending to a standing position.  (At least heading down to the floor was aided by gravity!)

In the following years, I have been continually surprised.  Truly, 30 seconds is an exaggerated time allotment!  I didn’t always practice it–I did learn the art of “tuning out”. But when we look our kids in the eyes and give them our full attention, it doesn’t take very long to convey that they are important.   In the toddler years, this 30 second challenge became the end-point of most of the whining. 

These days, I have to look up to catch the eyes of  my kids, but I still do it.  I desperately want to be a mom that gives them my full face.  When there are things that require discussion, we can broach the subjects head on…because we’ve been facing them throughout their lives.

So, take the challenge.  Today, drop to one knee, look your little one in the eye and listen…and count if you need to.  30 seconds will likely be more than enough time.

T.P. and technology

If your household is like ours you are encountering a whole new sociological phenomenon: the ‘always- in-contact’ generation. Yesterday this hit an all new level for our family.

I was making my morning latte when the telephone rang and my husband answered. I heard the following his-half of the conversation: “Hello” “What?? (snicker, snicker)” “Okay” and he hung up. I was instantly curious.

Apparently it was our daughter… from the downstairs bathroom! She found herself in that ever-so-awkward, yet familiar predicament. The toilet paper roll was empty. She had tried yelling for more t.p. but the hissing of my cappuccino machine drowned out her cries for help. So, typically innovative, she used her ever-present cell… and called.

Really… a cell phone, even in the bathroom?

I have benefited from my daughter’s cell. I can get a hold of her at anytime because we have an understanding that she ALWAYS answers my calls (thank you call-display). She lets me know her change in plans… which happens often in a teenager’s world. I love the safety aspect. She can call from any situation where she feels uncomfortable and we will come immediately to pick her up. Yup – I am a fan of the cell phone. Are you surprised?

I’ve read so many articles crying the woes of the ‘need-to-be-in-touch’ generation. I am mystified that teens find it socially appropriate to be visiting and texting at the same time. I’ve had groups of teenagers in my home and I get such a kick out of watching each one intermittingly pull out their cell, read and respond to a text and flip it closed while hardly breaking from the conversation. The best was observing a group of teens watch a movie together. They text each other – even though they were only a sofa away!

Okay, so it is a bit much. But I am willing to embrace a bit of cultural diversity in order to create relationship. Over the years we have come to some clear agreements with our cell-packing teens.

•  My calls are ALWAYS answered. I get priority calling as they keep me in the loop with their schedule. Sometimes I call just to say I love ‘em and to throw them off…
•  No texting at the table or during family discussions
• The phone is not to be used after 11 pm on week-days / midnight on weekends. This is to support self-moderation. We came up with this rule together… literally bartering to a negotiated agreement. This needs to be age appropriate.
• When texting around me, I have the right to ask who they are communicating with. This is one way that they respect me, but really… I’m just nosey. They get it.
• I will never read their text messages. This is me respecting them. Although tempted to read their texts to ‘check up’ on them, my hubby and I agreed that this would be inappropriate parenting. Trust needs to be earned BOTH ways.
• They pay their phone bills. This one has caused a bit of consternation, but we found ‘pay as you go’ the best way to learn cell phone moderation. A friend of mine was as horrified as her daughter, when they received her first month’s phone bill… over $300!
• There are agreed upon consequences if these guidelines are broken.

As a parent, I am responsible to understand the culture that my children are living in. My role as a parent is constantly changing as my children grow. We pick our battles, we come up with negotiated guidelines and we don’t nag. Building trust and respect both ways allows them to make mistakes and we offer support whenever we can.

And, when they call asking for toilet paper… we laugh all the way to the supply closet. I’m glad she called.

Blueberry Muffins and Spirituality

Shawna, a mom of three young children, pulled fresh blueberry muffins from the oven and handed me a cup of amazing coffee.  Settling into her sofa we caught up on life and then dove into the question that initiated our ‘coffee’ talk.  I had about a week to think about the question she asked me, and even as we started talking I felt waves of insecurity rise within me.  Her question had been quite simple, yet deep. 

“Doris” she facebooked “I was wondering if you had some ideas on how to bring Christ and spirituality more into my children’s lives?”

Yup…waves of inadequacy. Did I do enough with my children when they were younger?  Did I instill in them a love for God and knowledge of his word that would see them through their teen years and university education? Would my children walk with God throughout their lives?

I was pregnant with my first child when I was hit with the realization that not only was I bringing a child into this world… I was also bringing a soul into eternity.  Waves of fear submerged me…what if this child rejected God…what if a child of mine rebelled against their Creator?

I have always tried to be intentional in teaching my children about God.  Over the years we did it in different ways and at different times of the day.  But before Shawna and I talked about these practical ideas I wanted to address the foundation.   As I grow my children spiritually I have to be solid in what I believe and I need to be practicing my faith.  I must be intentionally growing in my spiritual life while I am investing in my children’s. 

It is kinda like Shawna’s blueberry recipe that I copied out before I left her place.  Most of the ingredients are put into the main body of the muffins, but one-half cup of the dry mixture is saved to sprinkle on top.  The topping only reveals was is in the core. We have to make sure that we are putting the bulk of the spiritual intentionality into our own lives, and then saving some to share with our kids. We ‘sprinkle’ into their lives what is at the core of our lives. 

Waves of fear and inadequacy are replaced with waves of grace.  Romans 9 says that it is God’s mercy that draws us to him.  In understanding the attributes of God, we see that he is faithful. Our amazing God who reveals himself to us can also reveal himself to our children. We just get to help set the stage.

This can include:

–          Regular prayer time at meals, before bed and maybe even in the car before you head out of the garage.  Definitely let your family experience prayer when there is crisis. Let them see you turning to God for needs.

–          Regular Bible reading times. 

• When the children were younger we read bible stories as part of our bedtime rituals.
• As they got older we read after the supper meal
• Now, we try to read at breakfast before they head off to school.

–          At one stage we had evening family time (after they were in p.j.’s).  Sometimes I’d pull out the guitar and we sang camp songs and other times we learned memory verses by putting our own actions to them.  Even before my son could read, he had Psalm 1 memorized… complete with actions. We always tried to keep these times fun and entertaining.

And then there are the ‘talk-as-we-walk-through-life’ training times (Deut 6).  I’d ask God to reveal himself in ways that I can point out to the children, enabling God’s truth to be brought into conversations and situations.  He will do it… we just need to ask and then watch to see him ‘show up’ all around us.

–          Seeing beauty in nature reflecting God

–          Recognizing God’s provision in our lives

–          Recounting answered prayers

–          Letting our children see us live moral lives sustained with integrity

–          Demonstrating God through love and discipline

Really, each day is loaded with opportunities to implement spiritual perspectives.  Inadequacies are countered by filling up on God’s grace each day and counting in His faithfulness. I still have more years to pour into my children.  I’m glad I started when they were young, but I want to have a lifetime of bringing Christ into my children’s lives.  And then someday…I hope to influence my grandchildren! 

And maybe, I’ll even pass on Shawna’s blueberry muffin recipe. Thanks for the talk Shawna…